Chapter 2
Our visit to Mike’s acting Alma Mater the next day was a case in point, the point being ‘maybe acting is not for everyone’. It started out terribly and would certainly go downhill from there, as this was where it usually went regardless of where it started at. Our first hurdle was the receptionist, and Mike’s first mistake was to announce his name and wait for recognition. I didn’t know what he was hoping for – his name is known exclusively to his friends, relatives, those he owes money to, and the regulars of a local pub where he immortalised himself by writing ‘Mike Davids the famous Artist drank here’ on the wall. He managed to do that in some sort of a permanent marker; the unfortunate pub, going through hard times financially, could only afford to write the letter ‘F’ in front of ‘Artist’ rather than getting rid of the whole thing.
Still, people knew his name there. The receptionist didn’t, so she asked him who he was. He said that he was a somebody, and she said that she found that very hard to believe. Naturally, he wanted to ask her out on a date right there and then, seeing how she was clearly capable of stomping all over his precious self-esteem. However, common sense prevailed at this juncture for some unknown reason, and he decided not to get distracted that early in the game. We waited for the person with the reel to show up and Mike tried to fill in time by explaining to the receptionist what a reel actually was. Never mind that she worked in an acting school, so would’ve known what it was. Mike was determined to enlighten her in this particular aspect of human life. He got as far as comparing himself to Tom Cruise and jumping on a table (they didn’t have a couch handy) to showcase the similarity, when Steve the acting teacher walked in.
Of course, Steve the acting teacher was a consummate pro – he was either drunk or hung-over one hundred percent of the time. His acting career went nowhere fast, and he was currently flying full speed ahead trying to transport his students to that very same destination. I believe this is called ‘leading by example’ – a significant number of students would drop out of acting school following their first class with Steve as his example would lead them to believe that this acting thing (which Steve called ‘pretending’ for some reason) could not possibly work out in a positive fashion of any manner.
Our visit pertained to Mike’s reel. A ‘reel’ (for those of you who are not in the business of show) is used to showcase an actor’s talents through a video summary of their work to date. In Mike’s case, that amounted to the short films he was in as part of his acting course. To give a bit of an insight into Mike’s comprehension of the world around him, I’d point out that he perceived the time factor to be the most critical aspect of film production. ‘Films are easy,’ he’d tell anyone willing to listen, ‘especially short films, the ones that go for 10 minutes. Five minutes – even easier.’ Furthermore, he believed catering to be important for the film industry as well on the basis that ‘people frequently get hungry – it’s like their nature or something.’
This was Mike’s second visit to the acting school in two days. His first visit revealed precisely two points of concern – firstly, the acting course he attended for 5 years turned out to be a one-year course that he just happened to repeat five times over. And secondly, Steve the consummate pro kept reels from only those students who ‘had at least some chance of going somewhere other than nowhere’, and Mike didn’t make it into that select group. Naturally, Mike believed both points to be false, but his debating technique was found wanting – he accused Steve of being a shady character, but chose not to substantiate his claims on account of being too emotional as ‘that guy just gets to me, know what I mean?’ Creative people, what-are-you-gonna-do?
This is where I come in, as Mike’s self-appointed fragent. That’s friend and agent all rolled into one, thanks for asking. I was to negotiate on Mike’s behalf and I came fully prepared – my opening statement was going to be a stern ‘Let us cut straight to the chase!’. I was planning on making two gestures during that sentence. A ‘cut’ gesture, as if cutting with the scissors to punctuate the word ‘cut’, and a ‘chase’ gesture, as if chasing after someone to highlight the word ‘chase’. These gestures were designed to lead Steve into a false sense of security; once he got there I would start making gestures that didn’t fit very well with my words at all, thus forcing him into confusion, and consequently obtaining the upper hand in these negotiations. Of course, all of this might have become moot if there was no reel to begin with, but that’s negative thinking and we shall not indulge in that.
I didn’t get to my opening statement though as something borderline miraculous took place. Steve the consummate pro was neither drunk nor hung-over – miracle number one, and was also extremely ecstatic to see us – miracle number two. He had a really wide and exceptionally foolish grin on his face. He also did something that resembled the greeting dance of some long forgotten warrior tribe and followed that up by attempting to high-five Mike. This behaviour terrified and potentially traumatised Mike. I was stunned as well. Something was not right in the Universe. This happy, tribal-dancing, high-fiving Steve must’ve arrived from some other dimension.
‘My two favourite bastards!’ exclaimed Steve and we had to look around for a while to see who he could be possibly referring to. ‘Where?’ said Mike hesitantly. ‘Right effing here, that’s where, mate, you effing future Hollywood star, effing where, ahaha!’ came the response. You see, certain people have ‘tells’ – their communication model changes based on how happy or otherwise they are. Steve’s current communication model suggested that he was overcome with excitement, which was evident by his going around in circles, not being entirely clear, and the excessive use of ‘effing’. However, the presence of mind required to euphemise with ‘effing’, rather than its alternative, had not eluded him. This hinted at some serious development bubbling beneath the surface of this unexpected giddiness of his. I was intrigued. Mike was potentially traumatised, but also hungry. Mike frequently gets hungry – it’s like his nature or something.
The next ten minutes were well spent trying to extract information out of Steve. There was a lot of ‘effing’ and a considerable amount of ‘ahaha’ that he presented us with, but we persevered and eventually the picture became slightly clearer than mud. For one, it was certain that the producers of some morning TV show called Steve. It was not certain where Steve told them to go based on the phone call being made at around 7am (‘7am mate! Effing 7am! Ahaha!’). We were back to certainty regarding Mike being called a ‘Hollywood star in the making’ by these TV people. It was that very expression that really woke Steve up (‘Effing prank calls, I thought! Ahaha! Effing!’) Eventually the universe managed to convince Steve that a prank call this was not.
It would appear that Mike went to the top of the list of young Australian actors by virtue of being mentioned on TV by yours truly. This might hint at this year not being a very good year for young Australian actors. Alternatively, naturally awesome TV people were just naturally taking notice of what’s happening on TV only, so Mike being mentioned on one TV program would obviously necessitate him appearing on another TV program, as he was clearly worthy enough to be mentioned to begin with. This sort of lazy circular going-nowhere-fast logic appealed to TV Executives. It was of no great surprise that it was recently established that TV Executives were the missing link between Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens. When interviewed about this discovery a representative of a ‘TV Executivus’ class confirmed that they were ‘just doing their job’.
Dear Mr. Partsi,
Thank you for sending through the first two Chapters of your Book.
I’m truly sorry that your financial situation has taken a turn for the worse.
We cannot, however, loan you ‘a gazillion or so dollars for creative needs and miscellaneous frivolities’ as you requested.
This is not how life works, Mr. Partsi.
Yours Sincerely,
Marylyn C. Cheapskates
Head Loans Officer
National Bank
P.S. Starting your letter of application with ‘Hi Bank that has lots of moneys’ might not be the best idea. Your writing, however, has a decent flow to it. Very few mentally unstable people are that lucid.
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